Love Jossie #1 kinda NSFW-ish

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(note that I wrote this over a month ago but never got around to publishing it :P)

OMG, this magazine. I was totally misled from the cover. Let’s just say my first jump in started with me thinking the water wasn’t too bad until I got to swimming to the next title which resulted in an exclamation of “wtf is this” to “are you fucking kidding me” slowly to “this is so horribly wrong” baked to 300*F for 30 minutes for “what am I reading”. If you’re still interested in learning more…let’s continue…

Oh and I wouldn’t be reading this with your mom hanging close by. This new digital mag is definitely NSFW.

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Mayonaka no Kaijuu-tachi (Creatures of the Night)- the only not-NSFW title in this magazine. Let me tell you, what a great title to lower one’s guard because from the cover of this magazine, you’d think you were about to step into a sister version of AneLala. Then you read this bit here and think, oh it’s just like AneLala except a little supernatural. But let me tell you…the cake is a lie. For those who care, this story is about a girl from the sticks who works for like, Sea World I guess as a trainer. The reason she’s at Sea World or whatever is cuz shojo took out her parents and a friend of her father’s who owns this Sea World tells her to come over and chill with him if she needs a place. There, one of the animals was like, “yolo”, and she freaks out. The dad friend lol-ed, “yeah…” – totally unfazed by an animal talking (me: please show more concern). Then we learn at night the animals of Sea World turn into naked people (A lot is going on I know but please keep your seat belts buckled and remain calm). We also learn the girl is a mermaid when she saves a drunk penguin from…drinking and swimming (friends don’t let friends operate anything, even their own bodies, intoxicated. Remember that next time your drunk friend goes to the bathroom. You better be right there to hold that penis steady for them so they don’t dribble on themselves or spray the walls. They’ll thank you for that. Courtesy is contagious).  And there’s a seal and dolphin that have the hots for the girl when she saved them from death as a child via healing powers that she apparently has in addition to her mermaid morphing abilities. And that’s Monsters of the Night. Little weird, lots being thrown at us with this first chapter but hey, it’s got a boozehound penguin so all good.

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Now to the next title…Maid in Romance. This chick goes to work at a made cafe as a pianist at a request of her friend (guess they’re short staffed and need someone to fill in). The guy that’s the assistant boss saves her from a pervert while on the train to her work place which causes the chick to develop a crush on him. However, while dude obviously likes her (he’s just slow on the uptake), the girl learns the previous assistant boss guy was sleeping around with one of the maids and shit went down cuz of that. Not wanting to cause the dude trouble, she tries to back off but this is josei so no. While walking up some stairs after work, they end up face to face. Girl turns bright red, dude turns horny. And they go off to his office to shake and bake but the girl says nah, we can’t. The guy cries internally but the girl explains she wants to wait until she’s done with her gig here as a piano maid and then they can smack attack her growler without any guilt. She also adds she doesn’t want the dude to pull a muscle in his leg (is she saying he has a dick so small he gotta be doing the splits just to get it anywhere close to her hole???). He goes lol and they agree to hold off (we’ll see if they actually do – I mean, they just stare at each other and there goes the bra and pants…).

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Mousou Shoujo (The Imaginative Girl) – the chick here is a 21 old year old who looks like a ho but has never done it (her words, not mine). Because she has gone 21 years without sex, pretty much any man she sees she starts to fantasize about them fucking her up (?(。_。)). One day while manning the register, she sees a hawt guy and instantly falls for him. She wants to bang him for reals. She goes to her sister for advice but instead of following said advice, she ends up fantasizing about him parking himself in her parking lot behind the counter (∑(O_O;)). However, fate happens in that he forgets his phone behind at the store. BUTTTTT, it turns out the dude isn’t as sweet as we think in that he left it behind on purpose. He’s either a manslut or an ass. We’re not told much with this chapter. Only that he had planned on messing around the girl but that backfires when she acts like a super goofball in front of him while trying to return the phone (right down to nosebleeding at the sight of him). He backs off to rethink a new plan but he’ll be back! I like the art but the story is weirdddddddddddd.

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Poison Candy – skipped. I’m not a fan of teachers x students, especially if they’re under the age of college.

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Yoru Kara Hajimaru Tensai Junkyouju no Renai Shoumei (The Night starts Proof of the Genius Assistant Professor’s Passion <- you don’t know how hard I laughed writing this. I had to go onto amazon and look up lady books to find good words to use for the translation xD) – guess what…teachstu romance! But this chick is in college so that’s…more tolerable I guess. Actually I was fooled because I didn’t read the title and jumped straight in, later finding out the stuteach bit. The chapter opens with a chick about to get rammed and she don’t know what going on (Me: omg, is this girl drunk. Omg, is this dude humping a drunk chick?). He tells the girl that it’ll only hurt a bit and let’s himself in (Me: wait is your ass straight sober? You better not be sober and taking advantage of a drunk chick you piece of shit). Anyway, we learn that at some social party, the main chick and dude met, hit it off, went back to his place to watch movies and drink, and yeah……. She freaks because she’s never slept with a dude before, especially a stranger. But he’s not a stranger – he’s her teacher! Hur! She super freaks until she hears him tell her that was his first time as well (her: you’re 30, wait what were you doing at a social party for college kids? Him: stfu). And apparently he’s a lazy guy cuz he tells the girl to fall in love with him so he can get married and shit. It takes too much effort to find another woman. Her: …that’s not how this works. Him: will a picture of you naked on my bed help to convince you to my plan? Her: …fuck. And so they try to figure out what it means to go out and be in love and stuff…which ends with them finding out they like each other and thus bang again. Honestly, this title was so bad it was good haha xD

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Kurokyoushi to Kurashimasu (Living with the Dark Professor) …wtf high school student x teacher…again!? Teacher romance x 3, high schooler love interest x 2. Gahhhhhhhhh. Well…this title…sigh…So you have this teacher who is a sweetie at school although I knew he was fucked up the second he started licking a stray cat the main girl found (like 1.) ew 2.) that cat might have worms and shit bro. You want to be that josei hero with tapeworms? 3.) take that any further and that’s called bestiality, man). The main girl is a dumbass who take naivety to its definition. She’s like a table with no legs, unable to stand on her own (okay you can tell it’s almost time for bed when I’m talking like this but whatever). She can’t tell the difference between friendship and being used. She can’t read people. And…she doesn’t know how to stand up for herself (as I mentioned with the legless table analogy). This is the girl we’re going to be with for this adventure. Try not to injure yourselves over her actions…. Any hoo, she’s living at some apartments that are meant for 18 year olds because it was affordable (she’s faking to be older). That’s when she runs into her teacher there who is also living at these apartments. Small world, huh teach? And of course, once the doors are closed and there are no cameras on, out comes the darkness in him. He tells the girl he’ll keep her secret if she…becomes his gopher! Hahahah, now massage my shoulders, ho! During one of their gopher sessions, he tells her to be careful of who she makes friends with and she needs to read people better (two of the things I mentioned earlier). She’s like, nah you cray, and he flips her on her back and puts his hand up her shirt. What now, girl? She fights for like 5 seconds but then thinks, you know, since I like this guy (you need better taste in men), doing it with him won’t be too bad… (you’re not serious). She then stops and he’s like no jk hee hee hee ~ She gets embarrassed and leaves. She later meets one of the tenants who says he wants to practice cutting hair since he’s studying to do that and shows her a picture of the hairdo he wants to do on her. Which is pretty much to shave her head bald (<-?). He asks if it’s cool with her and she goes “of course! For friendship :D” Thankfully teach steps in and puffs the guy off. The girl and the teach get into a fight, her not understanding him for saying she needs to learn the difference between friendship and being used (point #3). She says she’s leaving and asks her friends if she can stay with them. However, because she has horrible taste in friends, they’re like no and so she rationalizes she needs to sleep in a park and solve things from there (*un-describable facial expression). Thankfully again, Teach stops her and is like, bitch calm the fuck down. He then licks her face and all of a sudden the chick realizes he’s been helping her this whole time (wtf is with this guy and licking???). And I guess they’re together now? (*un-describable facial expression).

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Then there’s…Yume no Nake Demo Aishite (Lust in a Dream). A chick and dude get married and have their first night together bumping and slapping and they’re all happy but then half a year goes by without any monkey grinding. The chick is confused. Her man is now cold and keeps his distance. Then there’s the mysterious package that came from a woman’s return address. Frustrated by the lack of sex, the lady decides the answer is not confronting him and talking. No, who does that? It’s masturbating. And that’s pretty much what 78% of this title is – her masturbating (fuck is this a manga for ladies or dudes, because I think dudes can use this at donation clinics to get it up). She finds her key to having a good time is to read a magazine with hawt guys and fall asleep. That way, she can bang them in her dreams. But eventually she dreams of her husband and feels bad. However, the couple of days of masturbating have put the chick in a good mood which confuses her husband. He wonders how she can be happy when they haven’t had sex in half a year unless…cheating?? He quickly dismisses that but is worried. It turns out this whole time he’s been training…to become a loving machine (omg shoot me now lol). Due to his worry, he comes home early to find his wife asleep, but moaning seductively in her sleep. He stares like a deer caught in the headlights, wondering wtf is going on when she calls out his name and tells him to get dat tongue down there. That’s when he puts into practice all he’s been hitting the gym and porn stores for…love making mood a go go. And man do they put those mattress springs to work. The wife wakes up, thinking that was the best dream sex ever (she fell asleep looking at his photo) until she sees her man next to her, naked as shit. This shocks her because that means they did play pooh sticks in real life. Yay! So what was the reason for the two not having sex for so long? Well, one time the girl wasn’t feeling it so they held off. The next time they tried to do it, he couldn’t get it up. She told him that’s cool and apparently that damaged his physique to the point where he went on a 180 day sex-free training fest to get his dick so super powered he could lift morale of all of those downtrodden with a single erection.  Oh, and the package? It had kinky shit he wanted them to wear to…spice up the night. End. What did I just read?

So yeah…that’s what I read. Well played Hakusensha. Well played *slow clap* I did not see that curve ball coming at all.

If you’re interested in reading, I bought the magazine off bookwalker: http://bookwalker.jp/de15c68968-2c50-42eb-b04f-ef7c4dae625f/Love-Jossie-vol-1/

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