Holy crap is Black Friday bloodthirsty. And you’d think after all the battles that started from 5 on Thanksgiving Day, people would be winding down a bit. But nope! I had to buy some toilet paper and you’d think anarchy was the new law the way people stormed about in CVS. CV fucking S. Like, really? Shit is ALWAYS on sale here. Why should the holidays be any different!? Thankfully I was able to grab my butt wipes and run out before someone started punching ~ In other news, here’s a snippet! The series is called “Kami-sama wa Ikiru no ga Tsurai.” Literally it means, “Living as a god is tough” but I like the slang version of “It Sucks Being a God” better :J Thus I’m going with it.
Chapter 0: Before Kami Tsurai became a series in Sylph, it started off as a one-shot. Thus chapter 0 ~ The chapter opens with an explanation about a party the gods have in October.
And FYI, the explanation really likes to emphasize it’s in October.
Because now there’s no excuse not to know what month the party is happening.
Now, in the one-shot, this party thing has absolutely no relevance to the story.
It’s never mentioned again.
So this is kind of like bringing up something like “there’s a saying in my family about the number 7” and then instead talking about “syphilis.”
You’re curious about what 7 means to this particular family but you’re derailed by the sudden subject of STDs that you forget to ask.
The same happens here because on the next page we see someone crying ‘cuz the noose he was trying to hang himself with broke in mid-chock and so he’s still alive.
Yeah…you read that right.
We go from partying with the gods to suicide
Never said Kami Tsurai wasn’t a bit fucked up…
A raccoon tells the man who attempted suicide – Kagachi – to stop being a dumbass and trying to kill himself. He’s a god. That’s not how things work when you’re a heavenly being of heavenliness.
And isn’t there something happening this month…? Like a gathering of sorts?
(yes, Kami Tsurai has talking raccoons as well as suicidal gods)
Kagachi begins to tell us readers about the hierarchy present amongst the gods, ignoring the raccoon. If a shrine has a lot of worshippers, you’re awesome. If you don’t, you suck. End of story.
Needless to say, Kagachi is in the latter category. Radioshack gets more visitors than his shrine.
Ashamed of his status, he vents how it sucks being a god and that’s all the justification he needs to take his life…
He opens the door to his shrine, grumbling how all the big wig shrines get loads of offerings while his shrine gets molds and termites. He looks down at the floor to see a girl on the ground, unmoving.
Kagachi: sweet baby Jesus someone left me a human sacrifice. What is wrong with people?
(says the guy who wants to kill himself because he’s not one of the cool kids…)
The raccoon tells the god to claim his tits. The girl is alive, just unconscious.
It seems we know who has the sensibility in this group.
We jump to when the girl awakens. The raccoon explains to her that the unshaven hobo in front of her is the god of the shrine they’re at and it’s because of him she’s ok. Rather than be fazed at the fact a raccoon is talking to her and telling her that she’s in the midst of a god, the girl simply nods her head and goes thanks, like this isn’t weird, much to Kagachi’s chagrin – FREAK OUT MORE WOMAN! THIS IS NOT NORMAL! (」゜ロ゜)」
The girl says her name is Haru (Kagachi: IDC GTFO). She explains her sob story (Kagachi: WHAT DID I JUST SAY!? (´･益･｀*)) – her parents are asshats and dumped her on her grandma while they left to get divorced and focus on themselves. However, by the law of shojo, granny dies and so Haru is out of a home. She wants to stay at the shrine until she can find a place to live.
(Kagachi: great so instead of gifts, I just get the homeless :/)
Kagachi does the most sensible thing and tells her no go be realistic and talk to a social worker. She refuses, saying she’ll clean the place up and cook for him. Him: what are you trying to say? Try as he might to get rid of her, her shojo positivity murders his negativity and he eventually gives in. The raccoon apologizes to Haru about Kagachi being an ass and she responds with “so where’s your broom at?”
(no lie, that’s the line she responds with xD)
She cleans the place up along with Kagachi’s underwear (lol wtf). Shamed at the act of defilation his undergarments underwent, Kagachi decides suicide is the only way to fix things (man, this guy…). He tries to use the coal-burning suicide method, which causes a type of asphyxiation due to lack of oxygen in the air (thank you google) but Haru comes in and takes his stove/coal to cook. With that option taken, he instead opts for a more forward method of seppuku aka shoving a sharp object into one’s abdomen. However, Haru once again foils his attempts at taking his own life byt taking his knife for cooking.
Done trying to kill himself for the day, Kagachi settles down to have some dinner with his talking woodland friends and Haru. The raccoon compliments Haru on her cooking skills, saying she’d make a great wife. Kagachi agrees, telling her she can go anywhere since she knows how to use a stove (lol ok Kagachi apparently you don’t realize she also needs something called money). Haru says she doesn’t want to go anywhere. She likes it here in the sticks.
Kagachi: =__= well fuck you too it was just an opinion
After everyone is done eating, Haru announces that it’s time for Kagachi to get cleaned up. Kagachi throws a fit, refusing to go down like his underwear did. However, Kagachi is all talk since Haru easily drags him to the bathroom and washes him like a dog with no problems.
Yeah, you read that right.
Kagachi will throw a shit fit over having his soiled loincloths getting washed but he has not problems getting naked and letting a minor bathe him.
That’s kinda fucked up Kagachi…
After he’s been dressed and getting his hair towel dried, Haru compliments Kagachi’s appearance, saying he looks beautiful, when in actuality he looks the same, sans the little goatee thing he was cultivating on his chin ^^; When she suggests cutting his bangs to make his eyes stand out, Kagachi finally reacts. Apparently you do not mess with the bangs.
He tells Haru not to touch him, while doing the exact thing to Haru, pinning her arms above her head. He demands to know what she’s planning. Flattery can get you places but know the emergency room is also a place. He then starts turning part snake as he yells, freaking Haru out a bit. He latches on to that, saying humans suck because they’re always scared of him. (Think she’s scared because you’re screaming at her while mutating at the same time, Kagachi. I mean, if someone I just met started screaming at me while pulling their pants off and waving their dick back and forth, I’d be freaking out too. There are some things you don’t do to people you just met. Transforming into a another species and whipping it out are two examples.)
He then launches into his sob story.
Haru: uh I don’t really care abo-
Kagachi: well now you get to know how I felt when you threw your story at me, ho Ò ‸ Ó)q
He starts to babble about how all humans are alike. When they need help, they turn to a god. They worship the god and make all sorts of assumptions about the god. If I pray, the god will cure my illness. If I make an offering, the god will bless me with fortune. One day, the village chief I’m guessing offers his daughter as a bride to Kagachi. Kagachi, who then took better care of himself, asks if she’s cool with being his boo. She tells her nothing would make her happier and the two start to live together. However, I guess she didn’t know he was a snake god (wtf) because she freaks the fuck out one night when she sees his snake penis face and threatens him with a knife. She flees and tells the villagers. The villagers come over and are like, dude wtf you’re a snake? Yo no god of ours is a snake. You’re a monster. Suck all our dicks! Including the deads’!
After trekking all the way out to the mountains to pretty much tell Kagachi “fuck you”, they go home and from then on refuse to go to the shrine. That’s pretty much how both shrine and god turned into the desolate state we see them today.
Kagachi tells Haru she’ll be just like that girl if she sees the real him his penis. Haru starts to cry and says she didn’t realize the shit Kagachi had to put up with, shocking Kagachi.
Kagachi: you’re supposed to do like what I did to you – tell me stfu and gtfo! :Y
Haru tells Kagachi she’s not scared of him. In fact, she’s always wanted to be here.
Freaked out by a sobbing child in front of him, Kagachi looks around for a sign on how to react. His raccoon buddy has a sign alright – literally. He holds up said sign saying: “hug her” to which Kagachi replies with his middle finger. At wit’s end, he decides to lick her tears, because that’s super comforting…
He tells her to knock it off. No more tears. If she wants to stay she can stay.
In his head, he thinks about how dumb and fragile Haru is. If he hugged her and wasn’t in control, he could crush her into a human bouncy ball. All of a sudden he thinks about wanting to bite her O___o; wtf!?
The next day Kagachi chastises himself for being such a dick to Haru and getting all weird and how he needs to die (omg son…why has no one directed you to a therapist D: THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY MESSAGE YOU’RE GIVING THE CHILDREN!). He wonders around the shrine and finds Haru asleep on the floor, drooling.
Kagachi: girl you better be lucky this is a shojo… (눈_눈)
He looks out at the shrine and remarks if his shrine has always been this dazzling? Or could it be due to another reason…?
In case you didn’t know it was because of Haru, the talking raccoon fills us on the mystery. No idea why but we jump over to the raccoon who comments on how things would be cool if Haru became Kagachi’s bride.
The raccoon enters the shrine and finds Kagachi pretty much spooning Haru. Also we see that Kagachi put flowers in Haru’s hair.
Later Kagachi awakens to find himself alone, save his talking animals. He looks around for Haru but can’t find her. The raccoon explains that Kagachi was out hard and transformed into his true self for a bit. Also, Haru left. And I don’t mean left as in she relocated to another room in the shrine with the “no spooning” option. I mean left as in she ain’t even on the mountain no mores.
Upon hearing Haru’s departure, Kagachi’s abandonment issues start to surface. He remembers the girl from his past who pointed the knife at him and called him a monster. First her, now Haru.
Kagachi nods to himself. So she left huh? She sees his snake penis face and leaves. Even though she said she wasn’t scared. Yup.
*punches in a wall*
MAKE ME FEEL THINGS AGAIN AND LIGHT THEM ON FIRE WILL SHE!?
OH HELLS NO! (ﾉꐦ ◎曲◎)ﾉ=͟͟͞͞ ⌨
The raccoon tells Kagachi to calm his tits but Kagachi tells him these tits will not be soothed until revenge is had! He flies out, bitching at himself for being a wuss. Oh he fucked up with the first girl but not with this second one. Ain’t no one running from him. He’ll take Haru to be his bride. So that she can be with him, just like she wanted.
(totallyyyyyy not creepy Kagachi)
The raccoon watches Kagachi going, putting no effort to stop him after his initial verbal attempt. The talking bunny (yeah there’s a bunny too but he does like shit so I didn’t bother mentioning him until now) comments on a note he finds on the floor. It’s addressed to Kagahi from Haru. She tells him that even if their time together was short, she thanks him for letting her stay. It starts to talk about something happening three years ago but rather than continue, we jump to where Haru is. She is with a woman who bitches about how loser the sticks are. Turns out this wonderful woman is Haru’s mom. And mom ain’t no loving creature. She tells Haru to get in the car before fawning over her new man. The man in question tells Haru to think of him as her father, since they’re going to be a family from now on.
Him: And daddy likes his girls young |∴◉ ϖ ◉∴|
(Ewwwwwwwwwwww he’s a pedo! D: omfg)
To mentally escape the creepy in front of her, Haru talks about her past. When she moved in with granny, she wasn’t adapting well to the change (what with mom and dad dropping her off and never turning around). One day she skipped school and wandered around in the mountains. However, she got lost and ended up at Kagachi’s shrine. Feeling that she had nothing to lose, she throws in a coin at the shrine’s altar and prays to the shrine for help. A little snake comes out, her coin in his mouth. The snake guides her back down the mountain in exchange for the coin. He gives her the scenic view which uplifts Haru’s spirits. It’s thanks to him she fell in love with her new home. They part, with him mumbling “don’t come back.” Because of their encounter, Haru wanted to meet Kagachi one last time before she left for Tokyo. But what she really wanted was…
“OMFG BIG SNAKE!”
Haru: Yeah, Kagachi’s big snake dick I mean what?
Blocking the road and like half of the country is a giant snake. The snake starts to bitch at Haru – first you come waltzing right in to my shrine and doing whatever the fuck you want and now you’re just moon walking away – well honey sit your Twinkies down because this 300 ft snake has some words to say – but Haru isn’t listening. Instead she jumps out of the car and hugs Kagachi, much to his surprised confusion. She cries that she doesn’t want to go to Tokyo with her hoass mom and her soon to be a registered child predator bf.
Kagachi: uh…ok? ¯\_༼ ି ~ ି ༽_/¯
He turns back into his human form and hugs her, telling her the shrine has become chilly without her around.
They smile and yay ~ In the end it’s decided that Haru will be staying at the shrine, in exchange for doing housework. Mom and BF had their memories wiped and even if they didn’t, I’m sure they’d be like, take the kid.
Mom: I can make more
Pedo bf: There are other youths to violate in this world…
Pedo bf: oh like you couldn’t tell. Didn’t you ever wonder why I always had my eyes closed when we did it?
Kagachi offhandedly asks Haru if she’d maybe become his bride. She goes “lol no” and skips away, saying she’s only a middle schooler.
(Like hell, maybe Kagachi should hang with mom’s bf since they have something in common!)
Rejected, Kagachi cries that he wants to die and that’s how it ends.
The first chapter is always the hardest to condense ^^;
I’ll put the remaining chapters in another post that aren’t hopefully too wordy hur.