The wee wee story. Ah man. The wee wee story. Notice that caught your eye, eh Rockin? I had actually forgotten about that (translation: banished it to the darkest bleakest recesses of my mind). But unfortunately just thinking of it summons the beast. And it’s here, waiting to go and scar all of you.
So let’s talk about that penis.
Awhile back (not sure when, thus the use of “awhile back”), I was on the train heading home. As per usual, my attention was focused on a library book I had gotten (again, not sure on this particular detail either but it was a book with words about stuff so good enough, right?). I had gotten on early enough that I was able to get a seat, not that the train had been particularly crowded that day.
Away I was in fantasy land when a low rumble cut through my tale of hot knights and sorcery. Or was it about that dumb chick who wanted to get laid because she thought that’d solve all of life’s problems & her parents would love each other again?
Meh, it was a story where rumbling was inappropriate.
I peeked up a bit to see what was going on. The rumble sounded like someone talking on a phone. Annoying but it does happen. I did a quick 360 of the parameter when my eyes stopped on someone who stood out from the crowd: a gentlemen dressed in tattered clothes that were probably cleaner when first found from the trash. If he smelled, I couldn’t tell. I was far enough away that the ppl around me would filter the smell out of the air before it’d reach me. I reckoned the homeless man must have jumped on at the previous station because there was no way I’d not have noticed.
A moment of staring trigger something in my brain. I recognized this particular homeless man because I’d seen him before. He just rambles incoherently. No panhandling. Just talking to air. Still freaky as fuck though.
Seeing as how no one else was particularly worried about the homeless man, I went back to reading. Again, I’m far enough that if he decided to go crazy & whip his dick out to pee on someone, I was far enough to be a 3 pointer if hit.
At some point in my reading I noticed the train was getting more crowded which surprised me because the stops we were passing were normally pretty dead in terms of oncoming traffic. I looked up again to see just how sardined we were when I noticed that the packing was only on my side of the train. There was a large dearth of ppl towards the other side of the train. Where the homeless man was.
What had happened that heightened everyone’s flight mode? The man was still the same: standing, babbling nonsense. His back was to me but just from his outline, I didn’t notice anything different. Hell. There was even a lady sitting like right adjacent to him. Normally it’s the ladies that run first at the sign of problems. So if she’s cool, why are the rest of these ppl over on my side?
As I’m thinking this, the homeless man starts to turn around. It’s a real slow movement. It’s as if my curiosity had become a magnet and was twirling him about. As he turned, I noticed a bulge by his hip. I think, oh he just has his hands in his pocket. Nothing too cre cre.
But then he does a full turn around so he’s facing the door on my side. And I see that the bulge I mistook for his hand was, as it turns out, not his hand. Nope. Also, the bulge wasn’t from his hip. It was from his pants.
The front of his pants to be more specific.
Where a pee pee would be.
My first thought: IS THAT HOMELESS GUY RAGIN???
Second thought: I should stop staring.
Quickly, I looked away. OMFG that guy has a boner that guy has a boner boner boner boner. All I could think was, what the hell is going on!? Anyway, naturally I looked back to confirm what I saw was really what I saw. I mean, I know hallucinating up boners on a train is pretty crazy (& is a sign that either you have mental problems or are sexually frustrated – either or demanding immediate help) but seeing one happening in real life is even crazier!!
And yup. It was still there, pointing the way to the door in case of an emergency. Not imagined.
So, yes ladies and gents, this man had a bargepole in his pants. The reason people retreated to my side was bc they were trying to escape the gaze of his python.
What made it even more crazy was that woman sitting behind him. Not caring a damn about what was going on in his pants. She just went on typing into her phone like this was an everyday thing. Penis pokers? Yup. Already saw 4 before transferring. Get over it. Life is too short to gape at erect dicks.
Thankfully we were close to my stop. Not sure when we got to my stop (tells you how long I was staring in shock!) but it happened. I squeezed past the ppl in my way, gave one final glance to triple check my sanity, & went on my way.
Eventually the shock wore off and I was able to function without too much difficulty. Made a great story to tell at lunch at work. Too bad everyone just patted me on the back and said that there were probably going to be more train x dick stories in my future. Nice.
And that, my friends, is the wee wee story :)