One-shot ~ The King’s Funeral Parlor

under1

“Truly, this is all nothing more than an act to trick God.”

王様の葬儀店 (The King’s Funeral Parlor // The Engrish the manga-ka seemed to be going for was “The King’s Undertaker.”)
Ou-sama no Sougi-ten
八島時 Yajima Toki

The oneshot begins by a hand telling a guying posing shirtless that if he wants to return to heaven as an angel, said shirtless person needs to feel remorse over a human.

Shirtless dude: yeah, no

Hand: THEN ENJOY TRAFFIC JAMS AND HOMELESS GUYS THAT WHIP IT OUT ON THE BUS AND THE FUTURE HORROR KNOWN AS TWILIGHT JUSTIN BEAVER! THAT’S ALL THERE IS ON EARTH! AND I’M SENDING YOU TO EARTH BACK BEFORE THE INTERNET WAS CREATED SO YOU CAN’T RUN TO SYLPHALCHEMIST’S BLOG TO FIND ENTERTAINMENT IN THAT OTHERWISE BLACK WORLD!

Shirtless dude: 8U NO SPOILS!? EW! Fine…I guess I will play along and watch over the maggots err humans and cry over them or something.

After that exchange, the story changes its setting. Instead of hanging out with a demanding hand and a Jacob wannabe, we’re in a little village. Specifically, the village funeral parlor. Because this one-shot is one of THOSE one-shots. This particular funeral parlor must be rolling in the dough because a customer walks in just as we do (we are told this by a judging eyeball BTW. Not sure what’s up with the talking body parts but hey, it’s manga). The customer is a young woman who strikes me as a spoiled brat. Because I judge. She tells the owner of the funeral home that she is here to convey preparations for a funeral.

HER FUNERAL.

shock face chair

The guy at the counter looks at her like she just said she was preparing her own funeral and asks her again who the funeral is for. She repeats herself, this time adding her full name: Olivia Woodgate. Rather than express a normal reaction (DAH FUQ!?) to this situation, the guy instead tells her how wonderful it is that she’s going to end her life short 8D

Her:  yes I’m…huh!? o___O

He continues by saying he feels it better if all humans would adopt her policy because humans suck but alas he cannot comply with her wishes because God frowns on suicide and if he wants to go back up to heaven, he can’t be doing things that piss God off. Read the prologue. He tells the girl GO LIVE! LIVE YOUR STUPID LIFE TO THE FULLEST ~ * 3 *

Olivia doesn’t take kindly to his words and believes the boy to be mocking her. She tells him to shove his head up his ass and leaves the store.

Guy: o w o wonder what crawled up her butt? (xD)

Talking cat: word. But hey, if she ain’t paying, we don’t give a fuck, son.

Me: where did that talking cat come from?

Rather than listen to the talking fat cat, the guy – who is named Salii BTW but I’m calling him Sally because Word’s HEY I THINK THIS IS MISSPELLED! LOOK AT THE ANNOYING RED SQUIGGLY LINE I’M MAKING WHICH I WON’T REMOVE UNTIL YOU TELL ME TO is really annoying. Especially when the red lines are all over the place. Makes it hard to tell what’s spelled wrong and what’s Japanese xD Anyway, Sally tells the cat that he needs to find the girl because she dropped her sticky note with her funeral instructions on it. Might take her all week to write up another one. Besides, finding the girl won’t be a problem since she gave him her full name and they live in a village of about 20 people. Also, he ran out of chocolates and needs to buy more anyway. Kill two birds with one stone.

As Sally leaves, his cat tells him he’s going to get diabetes if he continues to eat chocolate like people consume water. Actually, the cat says Sally’s pee will turn into sugar but not many people tell others this if they consume a large amount of sweets so I opted for diabetes instead. However, the sugar pee thing might be why Sally goes wtf who taught you that as he goes out the door xD

Sally heads to the local…candy store and exchanges conversation with some old biddies there. When asked about Olivia Woodgate, the lizards are more than happy to talk about everything they know on the girl and her family. Does he want an address – she lives over there on the hill. Big mansion, can”t miss it. How about the family’s history – basically, mom and dad are whores and have respective lovers that keep them away from the house. Oh how about something that happened recently? The Woodgate’s gardener confessed his love to Olivia but she not only turned him down but fired him too. Wow…what a bitch, wouldn’t you say? How about the dad’s fetish with wearing cat ears? And mom **** his *** with a ******? Before the old hags can talk his ear off, Sally leaves and heads over to the Woodgate home.

Them: DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SIZE OF THE MOM’S DICK???

Sally: o__o *runs for it*

under2

As Sally leaves, snacking on a Hershey’s bar, he thinks how dumb humans are. There’s no point to in living and dying around one’s social position. You’re going to die so might as well live like that one Nickleback song! However, no matter what he thinks of humans, Sally can’t let this girl kill herself because that’s the moral thing to do “he” won’t be happy if Sally turned a blind eye. Thus Sally heads over to Olivia’s place. And is greeted by her flailing in anger. After freaking out and screaming, she asks what the fudge nuggets is Sally doing at her place. Sally uses the pretext of returning her letter to talk with her but before he can say anything else, she drags him outside. See, Olivia doesn’t want anybody knowing she went out to the local funeral home to make arrangements concerning her funeral. Personally, I think screaming and dragging off the local mortician will easily tip these folks off. If not, wearing the exact same garb she wore in town to stroll around her garden might also be a dead give away…just sayin.

When asked what her parents think about the whole suicide thing, Olivia is like, this is a manga. Parents don’t exist. That answered, Sally asks his next question: why does she want to kill herself. Olivia gets hopeful that if she explains her situation, Sally will understand and go through with her funeral plans. Of course, Sally says hell no to her deal which pisses the little princess off. Sally tries to bribe Olivie into living by giving her some chocolate but Olivia must be afraid of getting fat because she tells him to shove his chocolate up his fudge hole. Seeing as how Olivia is being uncooperative, Sally decides to take matters in his own hands. She doesn’t want anyone to find out she’s going to kill herself? Welp, GUESS WHAT PEOPLE!? OLIVIE HERE IS TOTALLY THINKING OF OFFING HERSELF AND YEAH –

under3

Olivia freaks and tries to stop him but instead falls to the ground, not because she tripped on nothing, but because she’s dying. Yeah, turns out Olivia’s got this thing (never explained) and she wasn’t supposed to live past 10 but here she is, still breathing…but for how long, no one knows.

(so wait…how the fark was she able to walk ALL the way down the hill to the funeral parlor and ALL the way back up the hill to her house without falling over when just taking a stroll in the gardens causes her to start dying???)

“If I can’t choose how my life started, then it’s only fair I can choose my own ending.”

As Olivia stares forlornly at the flowers, angsting, Sally is glaring at her like, omfg stfu gawd do I really need to be told this (xD). Rather than indulge her in her pity fest, Sally asks about the flowers around them. Which turns out to be a good question. True to her shojo heroine title, Olivia shifts emotional gears and happily talks about the plants around them. The flowers here were planted and cared for by the gardener that had the hots for Olivia. Seeing Olivia pretty much fanboying about the guy, Sally asks if she too has burning loins for the guy, why did she dump his fine ass?

(love how she looks at him suspiciously: “who told you that?” Him: oh you know (old people))

Olivia takes the center stage again as she describes her doomed love. Due to her unnamed illness, she’s going to one day die soon…because how else will Sally cry like a bitch? Since she’s going to die, no point in dating because he’ll be all sad and she’ll be all dead. It’s better to step on his heart now and take a shit on it so he can move on quicker.

Thinking about the sexy gardener and how she’s never going to tap dat ass makes Olivia sad. She tells Sally that there’s no way she can go to another town to ask their funeral parlor to work on preparations for her funeral because she’ll most likely die on the way there (unlike when she walked over to his place) so he can go home. Though Sally does just that, he can’t let things go. Justttttt in case. He grabs a pen and starts writing.

under4

The next day, Sally takes Olivia out for a joy ride in his old school hearse. When asked wtf, Sally tells Olivia to think of this as a dry run for when the real deal happens.

Olivia: D:< THANKS FOR THINKING ABOUT ME!

As they are riding, Sally thinks about his time in heaven. He was a bishi angel who thought humans sucked and angels ruled. Well, God was all, dah fuq you say!? GET! and kicked Sally out of heaven. Only if Sally cries like Oprah after finding out all the cookies were eaten will he be allowed back up.

(I’m amused that Sally is fully clothed in the flashback yet in the prologue, he was shirtless…and possibly more xD)

Sally goes on to monologue about how pissed he was about having to live with the monkeys known as humans and how he missed tumblr or whatever. The only thing he’ll cry over is the lack of Oreo cookies to be found. Screw humans.

He’s brought out of his thoughts by Olivia who is probably wondering why Sally’s got such a “I want to stab everyone in the face” look on his face xD Sally tells Olivia he’s cool and that oh yeah, he wrote to her gardener friend and told him everything she told him yesterday. Don’t ask how he knew the gardener friend’s address or how he got the letter out so quickly. This is shojo. Stop trying to make things logical.

“Ah, you see that big tree over yonder? He’s waiting for you underneath its branches.”

Olivia throws a huge tantrum despite possibly dying from it. Love that Sally tells her “I don’t give a fuck” pretty much and to go meet the dude already.

“Depending on the path chosen, one can meet people or miss them completely. There is no meaning to your human lives.”

under5

Olivia must not have heard Sally dissing the human race (or just didn’t care) because the next panel shows her meeting the gardener dude. Things get a bit bitchy sappy. Olivia demands to know why the gardener came, especially now that he knows her situation.

Him: because I want to get laid

“Even if it’s just for a short time, I don’t care. I just want to be with you.”

Olivia then stops acting prissy and instead starts to cry. She’s going to die and she doesn’t want him to be all sad about it. They won’t have enough time to spank each other make happy memories and she’ll just keel over like flowers.

Him: FLOWER METAPHOR TIME! >:D

“I’m the first to understand the great joy at seeing a flower bloom. I’ve never felt sad when a flower has blossomed. My lady, I love you! Right now, in this instance, I don’t need any happy memories.”

Me: that makes no sense at all. You want shit memories then!?

under6

Apparently Sally shares my thoughts too. He’s perving on the two thinking, wtf this is dumb. Humans are dumb. You’re all going to die. Your love ain’t eternal. It’s like, I love you bam dead. Sally out.

And sure enough, page turned, Olivia is dead.

Not sure how much time passed but it looks like not much. Olivia is smiling in a bed of flowers. Sally kept the sticky note with Olivia’s funeral instructions and so is carrying them out per her wishes. The flowers around her are the ones gardener boy took care of. We see the gardener in question kissing her on the head (lol omg I wrote killing her at first wtf xD).

After the funeral, Sally and this random dude take the company hearse out to drive Olivia’s coffin to her grave site. As Sally is walking in front of the hearse, he reflects on his final words with Olivia. Guess when Olivia was getting ready to kick the bucket, she wanted to talk with Sally one last time. Olivia asks why Sally is having a hard time grasping the magnitude of Olivia’s love for the gardener. Yeah, her time may be short, but it was totally worth it. Sally probably doesn’t get it because he’s never been in a situation like hers.

Sally: *stares*

“For me, these past two months were filled with the same quota of happiness as someone who’s lived for 100 years.”

Fuck, she was only alive for two more months!? Damn, wonder if she got to second base with gardener dude :I

We’re brought back to the present when Sally’s talking cat turns all funky looking. He says enough with the reminiscing – time to drag this bitch to hell whooooooottttttt Lucifer let’s doooooooo this!

Sally bitch slaps the cat thing with his pimp cane. He tells the cat to basically stfu he was only brought with Sally to be his companion to talk about shiz because humans are dumb and can’t hold a good conversation with him.

under7

Sally goes on again about how humans suck and how he plays with the humans so that one day he’ll become an angel again and then give God the boot because God sucks.

“I can only pretend to love them.”

His cat killed, Sally looks up to the heavens and tells Olivia he’s ready to take her. She starts to talk:

“Yes. I’m ready to go. Say, Undertaker. You once said that the human life has no meaning. But because I met you, I was able to grab hold of one last ray of light in my life. I pray that you will one day be gifted with the love you so desire.” Ghost Olivia’s hand strokes Sally’s face before disappearing. “Thank you.”

Sally: “How worthless. A human’s thanks -“

Sally’s eyes start to pool over with tears. He looks at the liquid like, wtf my eyes are bleeding.

under8

There is no way I can love. Everything I do is a lie. While putting on my act, I open the doors of this funeral parlor for another day.

End.

Wtf…so he cried over a chick who was a bitch to him and then he just went on living his life as a mortician because God didn’t keep his end of the bargain? And really, Sally is Lucifer – I’m confused.

So yeah! The end!

….

You’re probably like, why did you write a summary on this again? Honestly? Because I just wanted to get back into the summary-writing habit again. I haven’t written a legit summary in a while so I thought I’d practice with The King’s Funeral Parlor. That’s all :3

Sadly, I didn’t really care too much for this one-shot. I just couldn’t see the main dude crying over this chick. I mean, if he’s such a hardass that he didn’t cry for like hundreds of years, how would one tsundere bitch make him weep like a school girl? And that poor gardener. Finally gets his girl and she just kicks the bucket. Like how there were no doctors around to care for her… >___> and that her parents said screw it. Nice.

One thought on “One-shot ~ The King’s Funeral Parlor

  1. Pingback: 02.2013 Lala Part III « Spoils

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